The First Rule Of Love And Logic: Put Yourself First

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cosleeping black

The latest Love and Logic “Love and Logic” newsletter has been on my mind since I read it last week. Dr. Fay reminded us of the first rule of Love and Logic which is that parents need to put themselves first. My brain does not compute! As an attachment parent, it represents somewhat of a radical shift especially since my husband and I were those attachment parents. You know the ones with slings stashed everywhere, Sears books in every room, and an ability to move at the speed of whimper. Now that Biker Boy is five, I left to wonder if this style of parenting is still necessary.

But I love attachment parenting!
We sometimes think of attachment parenting as just baby wearing and co-sleeping because those are two tenets that get the most media attention. However, attachment parenting is more than that and the reason I am a big proponent of this style is because a highly responsive parent is good for a baby’s brain. The research shows that when parents allow their baby to cry excessively, the cortisol released can have a profound negative effect on developing child’s brain.

Nonetheless, is there is a point at which parents must put aside the attachment parenting mindset? It is an awesome parenting technique but perhaps it should have an end point after toddler-hood. For my little one, it would definitely be about three years-old because by then it was obvious that attachment parenting had done its job. Biker Boy only needed me to recharge and reassure as he went hurtling out into the world just as the Attachment Parenting book had promised. I know my work is far from over but the way I parent needs to be changed or at the very least, adjusted to fit a securely attached, very independent child.

Love and Logic to the rescue
Although Dr. Sears mentioned “balance” and taking care of the marriage as part of his seven “Bs”, I feel that the Love and Logic admonishment to put myself first really brings the meeting to order. For example, it challenges three “shoulds” that attachment parents have as a running script in their heads:

    Good parents should do everything for their kids.

    Good parents should sacrifice all of their own needs so that their children are never uncomfortable.

    Good parents should never be happy if their kids aren’t.

I wish I could say that these three “shoulds” aren’t a part of the way I parent but I plan to make sure that going into the new year that my parenting style is more of a complementary blend of Love and Logic and attachment parenting. So no more shoulds! Also, I plan to start reading up on how to attachment parent older children and any information I find will have to work with Love and Logic. I must say though that the reason Love and Logic appealed to me is because at its core it continues the empathetic relationship we started with attachment parenting so I am confident that I can find a happy medium.

Please read the Love and Logic newsletter below. Hopefully you’ll find it as thought provoking as I did.

    What’s the first rule of Love and Logic?

    Take good care of yourself by setting limits without anger, lectures, threats or repeated warnings.

    Many parents feel guilty about putting themselves first. Why? Because they have a little voice in their head that is always telling them what good parents “should” do, for example:

    Good parents should do everything for their kids.

    Good parents should sacrifice all of their own needs so that their children are never uncomfortable.

    Good parents should never be happy if their kids aren’t.

    Don’t fall into the trap of raising your kids according to these “shoulds.” Doing so creates kids who aren’t prepared for the real world. Doing so also creates kids who are a terror to be around!

    When we put our children first all of the time, we are typically too drained to show them how much we love them.

    Never feel guilty about taking good care of yourself. Feel guilty if you don’t.

Mindful Meditation Should Be A Requirement For Black Children

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black children benefit meditation how african american discipline

    The more I read about the benefits of meditation, the more I think that it should be a must for black children. Our children have to deal with the stressors of living in a racist society in addition to the typical challenges of childhood, both of which have physical and psychological effects. More here……

Black mom of seven homeschooled kids!

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Janelle Henderson is my new shero. This mom has homeschooled her seven children while working at night and with a husband who is away working three jobs. All of the children graduated from high school at 16 years-old and went on to community college before going on to a four-year institution. Mom is now working on getting her degree in mechanical engineering. Just amazing!

Freebie Friday: Chess Computer Game For Kids

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Rochelle Ballantyne Black Chess Champion

Rochelle Ballantyne, Chess Champion

It’s Friday which means I scoured the internet and found something educational and free! I was actually looking for a fun chess program for Biker Boy and found ChessKid.com, a website where kids can learn to play chess on the computer in a fun and most importantly, safe environment.

Your child may not be the next Bobby Fischer or Rochelle Ballantyne , nonetheless introducing them to chess at an early age, can have a profound benefit on their cognitive development. The research showing chess’ effect on children is quite impressive:

  • Develop analytical, synthetic and decision-making skills, which they can transfer to real life.
  • Learn to engage in deep and thorough chess research which will help them build their confidence in their ability to do academic research.
  • Help children gain insights into the nature of competition which will help them in any competitive endeavor.
  • When youngsters play chess they must call upon higher-order thinking skills, analyze actions and consequences, and visualize future possibilities.
  • In countries where chess is offered widely in schools, students exhibit excellence in the ability to recognize complex patterns and consequently excel in math and science.

I should also remind you that an adult brain has not stopped growing so moms you too can benefit from playing chess. If you already play, keep doing it and if you don’t, why not learn along with your little ones?

By for now and have a great week-end!

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“You’re not a princess!” School Sends “Girl Power” Message

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You are not a princess

Jennifer Hudson As Princess Tiana

Hats off to Mercy Academy for letting their young girls know that fairy tales aren’t real. The all-girls Catholic high school has partnered with an ad agency to counteract the fairy tale princess image with messages of empowerment. Last year on Sesame Street, Justice Sotomayor gave a similar lecture to Abby Cadabby. She told Abby that being a princess is not a career. Instead, the first Latina Surpreme Court Justice and former Bronx resident told the Sesame Street’s resident fairy that she can be anything she wanted to be. Mercy Academy’s powerful ads send the same message:

Mercy Academy the tairy tale is over you are not a pricess

I’ve never been a fan of girls pretending to be princesses because it is during role playing that kids learn who they are in relation to the world. For instance, kids play act being mom, dad or their pediatrician so they can learn and interpret these roles and how it pertains to them. A girl playing princess is being implicitly taught that she is at a man’s whim because a princess is all about dressing up and waiting instead of going to seek out adventures and controlling her own destiny.

Some black moms may be conflicted about this message because we wrestle with preparing our girls for a harsh world and with wanting to bolster their self-esteem. I think we can bolster their self-esteem with the messages in the ads and by echoing Justice Sotomayor’s advice. Let’s hope next year the young ladies at Mercy Academy will choose to be a doctor, soldier, or Supreme Court Justice for Halloween.

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Aluminum content of infant formula still “too high”

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Aluminum Content of Infant Formula still too High

I was shocked to read that the aluminum content of infant formula is 100 times that of breast milk. Although it isn’t known if excess aluminum in infant formula can cause birth defects, no mother wants to know that the first food we feed our babies is anything but pure.  What’s more formula manufacturers don’t seem to be alarmed by the findings:

The authors argue that, despite their 2010 publication of the aluminum content of 15 well-known infant formula products, manufacturers have not yet addressed the problem. They conclude that regulatory and other non-voluntary methods are required to reduce the aluminum content of infant formulas and prevent chronic exposure of infants to dietary aluminum. More…..

I know these “infant formulas aren’t safe” stories come out all the time. This story isn’t one of them.  We cannot afford to ignore the fact that scientists have been urging infant formula manufacturers for the past three years to address this issue and they have not. I hope this story will get some traction in the American media soon because parents need to know that their children may be at risk.

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